We were twelve when we first met, but I already knew.

You would be my friend forever. Every bone in my body was so sure of this. It didn’t matter that I didn’t know who I was, or what I wanted to be when I grew up. I didn’t know what the future held.

But I knew you, and I was sure of us.

You dreamed bigger than anyone I know. And every dream I dreamed, I saw you there. Visiting you in the city that never sleeps. Having you as my maid of honour. Throwing canes at people we didn’t like when we were old and delusional.

It was us against the world.

Before I believed in sharing my life with anyone, I couldn’t imagine a day without you.

***

You became my sister.

I depended on you when things went to shit. I depended on you for a home. You made me breakfast when all I wanted was to melt into the floor. You knew I was too proud to ask for help.

“No, really. How are you? You need to talk to me.”

You cared. You challenged me to feel sad. To feel mad. To deal with what life was throwing at me. You loved me when I felt like I didn’t deserve it. Having you in my life was the best thing that could have happened to me.

Then one day you weren’t there to hold my hand anymore.

***

The world didn’t know what it missed in 2009, but I did.

It was you.

It was you. It was you.

When you were gone, I was pissed off. I was devastated and lost. I drowned myself in a mountain of work. I worked until I ended up hospitalized. I felt alone. I was at the lowest low I could go.

It was a hard slap to the face, and something in me snapped. It was an anger that could set fire to everyone’s world. You became my fire. The fuckery people continued to play appeared so small when I felt like I had nothing to lose. Compared to losing you, they are small fry.

Truth is? When you know what oblivion feels like, you’re not afraid to obliterate anyone who stands in your way.

***

The anger slowly dissipated.

I forgave myself for the mistakes I made. I rebuilt. I kept going.

But like clockwork, I’m pretty much sad every November. I can’t help it. I remember every birthday we celebrated. I remember how much I love you. I’m sad that I can’t share every piece of good news with you when calling you first became an instinct I had to learn to forget.

But I also remember that it’s still us against the world. You helped me learn how strong we are together. How strong I am. Even if you’re not really here, you kinda are.

Happy Birthday.