Sorry I’ve been MIA for awhile. I got thrown into a new hood five months ago: Mommyhood.

Forget the Cute Reveal.

Already pregnant in these pictures and didn’t even know it!

French cuisine, shopping & sight-seeing in Montreal, and catching up with friends over drinks all came to a halting stop near the end of July. That high-octane lifestyle became completely unrecognizable to me when the nausea hit.

I tried to sleep it off, thinking it was triggered by an early-morning start… Until I couldn’t keep down my lunch, my dinner, my snacks, and lastly, any water.

You know it’s bad news when you’re throwing up more than ten times a day during a heatwave, so WTF Hubby took me to the ER. After six hours and some tests, we were told that I was just making another human!

Mimu already knew something was happening around Week 4. She began to sit on my lap, which she never did before, and knead my tummy. She also followed me wherever I went!

“What Now?”

I shared the news with my Mom, who was overjoyed. Then, I had exactly four days to recover from dehydration and keep my nausea under control before August’s vodka yacht party.

Stranded between the “obligatory-zone” of showing up to my own party and being nowhere near the “safe-zone” to share my pregnancy news with friends, there shining ever so brightly was my WTF moment!

I mean, why make life easy on myself right?!

Sipping on virgin drinks at the Grey Goose Yacht Party. I cleaned up pretty okay for someone who was throwing up my guts four days earlier, right?

I Wish I Could Tell You How I Was Feeling But…

I just felt sick.

Sick of the mysterious smell in the bathroom that wouldn’t go away no matter how much my husband cleaned. Sick of the smell coming out of the fridge. Sick of my favourite lotions, shampoo, and soap bar.

And I Googled every single thing before I ate it.

Then threw up about 90% of what was “safe” to eat. My first trimester diet was reduced to Tom Yum noodles, crackers, and a lot of 7Up. On top of that, every prenatal vitamin I tried WAS DISGUSTING.

I lived in bed until the knots in my hair spawned knots of their own. I took meds and began accessorizing with an anti-nausea bracelet. My thoughts went back and forth between worry and fear for this blueberry-sized kid I was carrying.

In my first trimester, celebrating our one year wedding anniversary. I’m sure WTF Hubby helped me brush my hair before we went out.

The Theme of the Summer Was About Survival

At first it was just about making it through the day. If I had to sleep through most of it, SO BE IT.

Then it was about making it through the yacht party and phở afterparty without throwing up on those nearest and dearest. Because if I did, I’d have to think of how to explain it away.

Then it came down to navigating Kamloops while the psycho-clown hormones ran rampant in my body.

Gradually, the physical symptoms started to mellow and by Week 8, I told my friend I was pregnant. She was so happy for me that I temporarily forgot about the bad thing that could happen… I was so scared that Week 13 wouldn’t come fast enough.

I started to feel dizzy at MeowFest and had to sit down for a bit!

Week 13 Came and Went

And my brain finally caught up with what was going on. I embraced rest instead of berating myself. The answers to all my questions didn’t need to come overnight. I gave myself time to just soak in the excitement of meeting my tiny Bunbun and imagining what kind of person she’d grow up to be.

I imagine reading to her and sharing my love of books with her. We’ll have super-cute matching outfits on our sea-side walks and drop into the library for storytime. We’ll garden together, have picnics, and make crafts.

Sharing a picture of my baby bump over instagram

I also imagine what kind of person I will become down the road. Will I feel a sense of loss for a previous version of myself?

Probably in some tiny way, but remembering how Bunbun kicked the fetal doppler probe right as the doctor put it on my belly tells me I’ve got a sassy kid on the way. I don’t know why, but I find this highly amusing.

Motherhood will be challenging, but Walt Whitman said it best:

“Life doesn’t give you the people you want. It gives you the people you need: To love you, to hate you, to make you, to break you, and to make you the person you were meant to be.”